Sunday, September 27, 2020

So many thoughts and things on my mind...

I'm not even sure where to begin or how to begin... I know I won't get everything out in this journal entry, because there is too much I want to get out and go over and figure out where I messed up and how I messed up and how to fix my mess up... but right now the only way I know how to fix my mess up with one person in my life is to disappear and hide for a little while and that's what I'm doing... that's what I've been doing since Wednesday, September 23, 2020 at about 6:30pm... I have that person and another mutual friend and one other friend, who I reached out to today to have call me... thinking I'm in the hospital getting help, because on Wednesday with everything that was going on I was suicidal again with three different plans to take myself out with depending on which way things went if they didn't settle down...but lucky for me things settled down after I said that my phone was taken from me and I would reach out when I was out of the hospital... so I went dark on Fetlife and Facebook... I have been just kinda lurking on them, but not active on it with liking things or commenting on things... I turned my active status off... I also have been just lurking on Instagram because I don't want two people to see that I'm active on it... I have been posting journal entries on Spankingtube and posted one video on there as well, because I found it and didn't remember making it and loved how it was silly and miss the two people I was joking around with in it... you can see that video at...https://www.spankingtube.com/video/100364/new-years-2019-spanking or below...
But anyways... I'm not sure where to go or how to talk about things, because I want to start at the beginning, but I don't even know where that is at anymore... I mean I guess it could be when I first got to Richmond, VA on January 18, 2019...so maybe I will start then and then point out where I have gone wrong and figure out how to work on fixing things, because I want to own the behaviour I had that was wrong and fix it...in case I get one last chance, that I know I don't deserve with my Daddy or if it comes down to it finding another Dom and knowing how not to repeat behaviors that led me to my current situation right now...
*sighs*
Also, work on Friday and Saturday was stressful because of the fact that one of the new girls seems to think that if I'm not on her floor right away stripping her rooms, that I forgot about her and because if there is linen and trash from rooms on the floor that I'm not going to be back on the floor to pick it up...when I litterally go through all the floors, whether it is just the 6 I have if the other houseman is working or all 12 if I'm on my own....like four or more times to make sure I stripped all the rooms and got all the linen and trash from the housekeepers and guests, etc... Like I'm actually doing my job... I'm not sitting around on my phone... or hiding from my work... I'm stripping rooms...sorting linen...taking trash out...taking boxes out...vacuuming the floors... mopping the vending areas...cleaning the microwave in the vending areas... I have alot that I'm doing, just like they do cleaning the rooms... *sighs* I may see if I can talk to my supervisor Rah Rah on Tuesday and see if she can talk to the new girl or just everyone in general and let them know that they may have to strip a few of their rooms before I or the other houseman gets to them because we can only be in one place at a time and not six or seven different places... Because I have four days that I know of this next week, Wednesday, September 30, 2020, to Saturday, October 3, 2020 on my own at work...working all 12 floors...
*sighs*
Also, I turned to self injury again at the beginning of the month and I got to say that it semi helped me out, but semi didn't because I got the relief from stress going on, but at the same time it doesn't feel the same self injuring as I thought it would... like I guess I am learning how to grow up and use healthy coping skills to deal with things now...which is a good thing... but also I do find in a very weird way like I always have self injury to be pretty and I love the marks that are fresh as well as the scars from it...
*sighs*
I have been using alcohol to de-stress and cope with pain lately... just one to three drinks a night or every couple nights... and it also has been helping me to sleep a little better then I normally would because of the pain I'm in from working on my work days...
So, I call that progress from where I was with my drinking in my 20's and then when Gareth and I lived with Brandy... as well as when I first came to Richmond, VA... my drinking was out of control... :/ It burned a few bridges with people and showed me (thanks to videos I somehow took while drunk and pictures) that I'm not always a nice drunk or a silly drunk... I am a bit violent depending on my headspace when drinking... :( I hurt people that I really care about from my drinking with words and actions, that I can not take back or even remember doing and that hurts :( I don't know how to fix that, especially since some of the people won't tell me what I did or said... :( But I can leave alcohol alone and go without it, because I don't have an issue with it... so that is a good thing and something I'm going to use to my advantage in life...
*sighs*
Hmmm...what else can I talk about now.. I'm not even sure right now... I'm kinda numb from thinking at this point... so I must have gotten out most of what I want to talk about for right now... so that's a good thing... but I also know that my taking the time to go back and look over my behavior and learn how to own it better and fix it and not make the same mistakes isn't going to all come out at once and be fixed in one journal entry... it is going to be a few different journal entries... it is going to also take awhile to go over so I can learn from it and not repeat it with Brian again if I get the chance one last time to fix our friendship and be his little again... or even if I end up moving on and finding a new Dom...I don't want to repeat anything with them...
*sighs*
I am glad that there is one thing Brian hasn't taken from me yet and that is the trust to pay Busch Gardens every month...because I know once he takes that from me then we are done and he really doesn't trust me anymore :(


Reminder to myself!!!





I need to remind myself that I'm this woman that my best friend of 11 years pointed out to me on 1/5/19. I didn't see it when he pointed it out that day, but now that I'm on the verge of losing him from my life, because I keep making bad choices right now. I have stepped back and started realizing that being in person with him, he has turned me into this woman and I want him to see that again. Because 11 years ago, I wasn't that woman, I was just a child (in a way), but since meeting him and learning how to stop behaviors that aren't good for me because of his honest advice and the fact that he cares about me and wants me to improve behaviors I am not a fan of in myself and don't want to have to deal with. He has helped me become this woman and I don't want to lose this woman, because I love seeing her and how much she has grown since having this amazing guy in her life to call her best friend. 

When I got with my ex-boyfriend Gareth, I stayed that child and never answered to behavior that I shouldn't have been doing and wanted to work on. I never accomplished goals, that I had and wanted to and talked to my best friend about the entire time.

But being in person with my best friend, I have grown up and answered to behavior that I shouldn't have been doing in more ways then one as well as behavior that I wanted to work on and still want to work on. I am way more mature and learned so much about myself and this amazing lifestyle that I love living 24/7. 

Please continue to help me to grow and mature and accomplish the goals I still have and want to work on with you by my side throughout my journey in the lifestyle and more importantly as my best friend. 







I have two stores where I sell my spanking videos at now!!!

My first store is Southern Moon and you can find it by heading over here... https://www.spankinglibrary.com/store/183 I have also had it the longest... It has most of my spanking videos... 

This is my second store for videos... it is Southern Moon and you can find it by heading over here... https://www.clips4sale.com/studio/153325/southernmoon I have been working on adding clips to it lately. It has some of the same ones you can find at my first store, but it also has some that you can't and won't be able to get at my first store. 

So, why not head over to both of my stores and see if you can find something you like of what I have available currently for sale. 

I will be keeping both updated and will be posting previews of my work on here from now on, so hope you all enjoy.


Thursday, September 17, 2020

Dinosaur Man's House





One of my favorite memories with my Mom is driving by this house in Henderson, NV and going there on Halloween to trick or treat <3






Tuesday, June 23, 2020

UPDATE! NEW STIMULUS CHECK CONFIRMED! FINALLY! Second check confirmed!





I'm hopeful that this isn't a lie and that we get it. I know I for one could use a second one, since I still haven't heard anything about going back to work yet.






Sunday, May 17, 2020

Simple Earth Giveaway

Click here to enter the Simple Earth Giveaway today!!!
It doesn't say when this giveaway ends, from what I can see, but an example of the rewards you can win are below. 
Good luck!!! Be sure to let me know if you sign up please :) 
What you can earn:
🎉 3 Friends: Become an Official Ambassador
💧 10 Friends: Free Oil ($12 value)
💰 25 Friends: Free Essential Oil Recipe Box
👚 50 Friends: Free Earthie T-shirt
🏖 2,500 Friends: All-inclusive Getaway!!!