Why I should stay away from alcohol!!!

In this post I plan on writing about my journey with alcohol and why I should personally stay FAR FAR FAR AWAY from it. 

I'm going to start with most of the big times in my life when it comes to alcohol and what I remember from those times. I will also mention how my parents were with alcohol and then how my sisters are with alcohol. I will then transition at the end of this post why I personally should stay away from alcohol. 

So I grew up around my parents both drinking alcohol all the time. 

I remember the first time I drank alcohol was in kindergarten and I got to have a beer with my parents. I then went to school the next day and for show and tell I ended up telling everyone that I got to drink beer with my parents.

The next time I remember drinking alcohol it was when I was 14ish and I had just gotten out of the hospital for a couple of months and all I wanted to do was go home to be with my G-ma Sally and enjoy my new Hanson merchandise that I had gotten in the mail, but my Dad begged me to come to his house for the night and said we could watch my new Hanson video and drink whatever beer that I wanted to drink. So, I went to my Dad's for the night and we shared a 6 pack of Budweiser and watched my new Hanson video. 

The next time I drank I had to have been 18 or 19ish and I was at my Dad's for the weekend only because he said we would go four wheeling and drink. We mixed Mountain Dew with Wild Turkey in a big cup you get when you stay in the hospital. I remember drinking two of those and enjoying four wheeling for a little while that night. I remember repeating "let me drive you're not going fast enough," in the car, and then again at my Dad's house when I was told I was crawling around the coffee table. I don't remember not finishing the second cup, but I'm told that I didn't finish it and asked for a refill and then tossed the cup at my step-mom and what was left in the cup spilled on her. My little sister Tara had school the next day and was trying to sleep, but my Dad requested her to watch me while him and our step-mom Martha went back out to drink with friends. They had to come back, because my sister couldn't get me to pass out, she was afraid I was going to hurt myself because I tried to walk and almost took out the TV. So, my Dad and step-mom came back and they both had to deal with taking me to and from the bathroom because I was going to be sick and because I needed to use the bathroom. My step-mom wanted to take me to the hospital, because she thought I had alcohol poisoning, but at one point, because I was hot, they took off my sweater (it was fall or winter) and she saw my self-injury for the first time and so she didn't want to take me to the hospital, because she was afraid they wouldn't let me leave when they saw the self injury on my arm. I remember the next day waking up on the floor in the living room with my Dad on the couch and my step-mom was on the other couch (until she had to get up to go to work) I was only in my bra, pants and had one sock on. I had lost my high school ring somewhere on the floor in the living room as well. 

The next time I drank it was my 21st birthday and I begged my G-ma Sally to allow me to buy 1 beer to celebrate (she wanted nothing to do with alcohol, but she allowed me 1 beer) I ended up buying a 6 pack of beers, but she didn't know. I ended up drinking them in my room that night, while I played a Super Mario game with my little sister Tara, who kept asking if she could have 1 beer and I kept saying no. However, at some point I ended up blacking out and woke up the next day to her showing me pictures she had taken of me, while I was drunk and in the black out state. She also shared with me what I had done, but I don't remember what I had done. I only remember she said she had to try and keep me from being too loud, so I didn't wake up our grandparents. 

Most of my 20's after I turned 22 were just my binge drinking until I blacked out and don't remember where I was, what I was doing, etc... having other drunk people I was hanging out with try and keep an eye on me, because I was known for wandering around drunk and blacked out...trying to get home... Also, I have memories where I was out with my Mom and she was driving us home (way drunker then me) and we almost crashed into light poles. 

Then in 2019 and 2020 I ended up finding out that when drinking I end up beating up and saying "f you" to my best friend of 13 years. I had never heard of being violent while I was drunk and blacked out with anyone else before, so I really tried to fix this behavior with my best friends help. Now in 2021 I thought I was doing better with my drinking until I went out to Vegas to do a balloon releasing for my Mom's first birthday in heaven (she passed away on April 20, 2020 from alcohol). I ended up messing up big time because I started binge drinking with my Uncle Keith (not a fan of because of stuff that he did to my Dad when I was a kid, but that is another story) and from what I was told the next day the cops were called on me because of  something I did and they ended up showing up a total of 3 times that night. I had bruises on my upper arms from where someone grabbed me. The reason I thought I was doing better with my drinking is because my best friend had started giving me permission to drink 1 or 2 beers when out with him and I have been doing better and taking my time drinking and not even  getting buzzed from drinking so no black outs from drinking. That is until last week (September 7, 2021) when I went out with an old roommate to a bar that had karaoke and where I knew I might see my other friends as well. I hadn't asked permission to drink (you will understand if you are in a DDLG lifestyle or BDSM lifestyle) and I ended up drinking to try and impress the old roommate I was out with that night and lets just say I ended up blacking out and not knowing how much I had to drink at all. I found out from my best friend that I beat up the guy I was out with and cussed at him as well as ended up passing out across the street from where I live and one of my current roommates was sitting next to me keeping an eye on me, as well as at some point neighbors came by to try and help get me inside, but I was too drunk to go inside.

So, that is where things stand in my life as of now September 14, 2021 at 36 years old, when it comes to alcohol and when I drank at certain parts of my life and how much I can remember from those times, etc... I can honestly say now that I have this written out ever since the night I had wild turkey to drink when I was under 21...from that night on with any of the times I have drank, it has been me binge drinking and blacking out from alcohol with a little bit of violence towards friends. It shows me that I should NEVER have been drinking ever!!! I don't know how to limit my drinking to a few drinks when it comes to drinking beers and shots. Don't get me wrong, there have been times when I just drank wine and had a glass or two and I was perfectly fine *sighs* I need to learn limits with alcohol if I ever touch the stuff again in my life. But honestly writing all this out and seeing how my behavior has been with alcohol it embarrasses me and frustrates me and makes me NEVER want to touch alcohol again so I don't put myself in danger from blacking out or getting alcohol poisoning or beating up on my best friends. I honestly don't like how it has taken control away from me and made me lose friends. It also took my Mom away. I don't want to lose more friends because of drinking and I especially don't want to die from drinking. 

My parents were both alcoholics (Mom who passed away from alcohol on April 20, 2020) and my Dad (he is still alive). My Mom wasn't a violent drunk, she was more of a depressed drunk. My Dad is a violent drunk at times. 

My sisters (I have two Seana (middle sister) and Tara (little sister)) have been drinking since they were in middle school. Seana is known for being a violent drunk at times, like our Dad and Tara from what I know is more of a depressed drunk, but I have heard there are times where she is violent as well. 

I want to be the one in my family that doesn't deal with alcohol. I don't want to be an alcoholic. I don't want to die from alcohol. I don't want to lose more friends because of my drinking. I don't want to lose memories from drinking and put myself in bad situations, where anything bad can happen to me because I'm blacked out and wondering around the streets drunk, not knowing that is what I'm doing. I don't want to beat up and cuss out my best friend anymore.