Monday, December 3, 2012

Jokes of the day

I got this in an e-mail back on Feburary 1, 2006 and I wanted to share it with all of you. Because I know there are readers of mine that love jokes :)

*** Jokes of the day ***

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of
alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with
pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added
some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said," what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight
attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

-> One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

- A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the
time of the birth.
So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"
he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another
he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"
He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.
An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands
shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get
mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

- A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One
day the
judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is
sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and
hanged by the neck until DEAD."The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at
time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

- A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an
partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were
officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The
rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."A few
glances, but
no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...
NOW!"Intimidated, the
group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud
of his
first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well,
how did
I do?"Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

- A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his
Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat.
Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days.
You could of broke me tothe news easier. You could of told me today that she got
out of the house or something.
Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but
she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me,
The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when
it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

- Software Upgrade  

  Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the
overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating
system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install
Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0
and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy
Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you
do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend
Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support 

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