Its not enough anymore right now...

*shakes head* 

I'm back again...this time to write about what's bothering me and clear my mind just a little bit so I don't get close to breaking down. 

Where I'm living since the beginning of August 2025, is out of my budget. Because if I work close to all the part time hours I can, my SSI check goes down to about $400 which makes it hard for me to pay my rent when it is $800+ every month. Because the money from my work checks go towards paying all of my bills...

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Bills:

Geico Auto: $68.25

Dave Membership: $1.00

Straight Talk: $49

Walmart Plus: $12.95

Google One: $9.99

Marco Polo: $7.99

Straight Talk Lease: $25

Total: $174.18

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Those are just my main bills, there are a few that I pay that are smaller ones that I don't have wrote down currently, because I need to re-update my bill list and what they are and how much they are so I know where my money is going and when better. But that is basically what I pay monthly. 

However, in December I couldn't afford to pay my Geico bill anymore because of my not having the money to do so, when it goes towards the bills above and then groceries as well a couple times a month. Then because my SSI check goes down when I make what I consider to much at work, the money I still have on me for the month from my checks from work has been going towards making sure I can pay my rent. Even letting my Geico bill cancel and not pay it didn't help much because the money that I had saved from August to November of 2025 ($300) ended up having to go towards paying my January 2026 rent, so I literally don't have anything in savings anymore. Not to mention my hours at work have gone down so much that I don't really have much money coming in to pay my bills and rent even more now. 

Everything feels so screwed up...since the sezuire I had two days before my 40th birthday last year :( I had money from working two jobs since March to go on vacation in June, but that didn't happen because of my health, then that money went towards moving in August and now I'm barely making it from one month to the next because I didn't know ahead of time that every month was going to be between $800 and $900 dollars living here. I knew the base rent was $675, but I was quoted that any extra would be no more then $100 so I assumed based on that that my rent every month would only be $75 more then I have been paying for the last 5ish years because my rent had been $700 and included everything in that. I need to find that again to rent from because I can't afford to pay different amounts and amounts over $800+ every month. Especially when my hours at work have been cut and I'm now getting anywhere from 0 to 1 day on a bad work week and 2 to 3 days on a good work week. But then I have to keep in mind that the more hours I get at work affect my SSI check and make it go down and the less make it go up, but I also get $100 less then what my SSI check should be because of paying back pay back to them, so I'm screwed either way you look at it *sighs* 

It's too soon to actually look for a new room to rent because of the fact that my lease here ends at the end of July 2026 and its only the end of January 2026/beginning of Feburary 2026... so I have to wait a few more months before I can officially look and hopefully find a new place to rent that includes everything for $700 or less, because I'm struggling and can't get out of this stupid hole and no matter how much I work to get out of it, its not good enough and I just get fussed at for not working as hard and much as I should be because I should have the money to pay my rent and have a savings, but that's not the case unless I'm missing something? How do I make it work to have enough to pay my rent, bills, groceries, have a savings??? Because I'm struggling and when I mention it...I get told I'm just making up excuses and not working hard enough :( 

Anyways, I'm really hoping I can figure out how to make things work soon, because so long as I don't have another sezuire between the end of December 2025 when I last had one, then I should be allowed to drive by my birthday in June 2026 again, but I need to get the new sticker from my license plate as well as get my insurance on my moped again (just to cover it in case of it being stolen or injured in the weather, etc... but also for me to get free tows if it needs work done on it)... 

I also really want to go on vacations this year, because missing the two to three I should have had last year to celebrate my 40th birthday hurts :( I'm never going to be able to make that up and it hurts :( 

Please just let me get back on my feet with all this and go on vacations again, because I hate my life right now because of this and can't even say anything about it because honestly no one cares. I just have to fake happiness one the days I'm struggling with thinking about all this and that hurts :( 

Anyways I'm done talking for now. Writing this and talking about it here has me crying. There is another snow storm chance on Saturday and I need a few more groceries before then, but I don't have the money to do that...so yay me... NOT!!! 

I'm done for now though...I'm going  to go take a shower and then try to make today productive and mean something positive for me instead of being in my head overthinking all this when I'm doing what I can that I know of to make things, work even when they aren't working how they should.